Brunch is a very special meal that only happens once or twice a week (or 5-6 time for the truly dedicated) and you debutantes aren’t going to ruin it by talking about the following topics…
Brunch is a big deal. Brunching is an even bigger deal, at least among those who call it that. For many, it’s literally the only reason to get up before 3pm on a Sunday…or to just stay up after getting home at 8am. (You really have to wonder where their energy comes from.) The point is that people are putting in a lot of effort and dedication into getting up in the middle of their hangovers to kick off their Sunday Funday and the least you could do is avoid these brunch conversation taboos.
1. How Much You Hate Your Boring Job
Venting about work is an after-shift activity, so unless you punched out at 10am it’ll have to wait until Monday. Chances are that the only thing more boring than your job is you complaining about how boring it is. We all know it’s just something your parents demanded you do while you wait for your lifestyle brand to take off (or you find a husband, whichever).
Regardless of who had too much last night, there are more appropriate times to demand a certain someone pay your dry cleaning bill. Better yet, just decide that they owe you the money for the bill, that way you’ll have something to counter with when they learn what you did with their last boyfriend.
3. The “Brazilian”
4. Off-Menu Eggs Benedict Options
It was a three hour endeavor to get everyone to agree on this place. Don’t be such a primadonna that you’re going to make the kitchen help you pretend you’re at the brunch spot you actually wanted to be at. Own your compromise.
[Unless you need to make a bitch power-play. Then sure, order your Eggs Benedict with salmon mousse and lobster tail at the Tex-Mex spot. Hell, do it at the food truck for all we care.]
Period. If you can’t even, we can’t even.
Getting a salad with your endless mimosa is a classier version of ordering a Diet Coke with a Big Mac.
[If you’re still confused, ask your personal trainer or dietician to explain it to you.]
7. That Night At Gurney’s
It’s the burden of a debutante that the more fun it is at the time, the heavier the more crushing the regret will be in the hours and days after you wake up. We’re drinking to forget and all that hard work is going to waste if you keep reminding us of the mistakes we’re running from.
The decor was spectacular though. Five stars. Would go again if not for our fear of death from embarrassment.
You know it. We know it. There’s no need for a debate about whether you paid your pedicabber $100 to take you home and then you had sex or if he took you home and then you paid him $100 for sex. (We know the simple breakdown is $20 for the ride home and $80 for the sex.) It’s not like no one else has dragged a bicyclist home so he could screw, nut and bolt.
9. What you’re never drinking again
That list is sealed when you’re seventeen. After that, there’s no quitting on anything. All booze is deserving of your love and respect and you’re not about to start quitting on them unless your parents have sent you back to rehab. Besides, this is brunch. Unless you were drinking mimosas and bloodies at 2am, it really shouldn’t be an issue.
10. Why you’re crying
Suck it up, buttercup. You really don’t want us to order you shots. Here, watch this. It’ll cheer you up.
Now get it together, Sunday Funday awaits!
Brunch is just the beginning. We’ve got a day of fun ahead and we don’t need any debbie downers slowing us down. We need everyone to bring their basic and leave their bitch.